CHANGING

October 22, 2011

With the changing of the season and the approach of the 10th anniversary of Jenny’s death, I feel something shifting in me, and I have the urge to track it, and then I want to let it do whatever it’s supposed to do: fall away, maybe; or turn into something else.

This year I turned 50, which seems like a significant thing. Half a century on this planet, in this body. I feel strong and fit, creative and sensual, and bold. Last week I handed in the manuscript for GOD OF LOVE. Paul drew out my own most passionate, provocative voice, and Toinette helped me shape every sentence. I feel what we made together was something like a fine wine, and I look forward to uncorking it in April and passing the cup around to the whole world. Now I am crafting the proposal for the next book (a secret for now), and am getting ready to drop down into a new creative project. Darshan with the saints and masters. That’s what I get to do for a living. Hang out at the feet of the timeless wisdom beings. The pay is meager, but the payoff boundless.

What seems to be happening is that my focus is broadening. I watch as it expands beyond the realm of grief and loss—that dark fire in which I have been sitting, those waters of mystery I have been navigating in my solitary row boat, the secret medicine I have been brewing and dispensing—to encompass more of life. When Jenny died and Dark Night of the Soul came out (same exact day, remember?), I learned to bear witness to my own suffering and show up for my own death and rebirth, and to make of this process an offering to others who are faced with a similar transformational loss. I have been faithful to this process, and I always will be, yet other things are beckoning now. The band just came back on the stage from break and started up a new set. I am being asked to get up and dance. Every cell in my body says yes. I am saying yes.

And so this blog will reflect the shift as it unfolds. As with This Beautiful Wound, I will continue to share stories from my own experience, because stories are the universal language we use to understand ourselves and each other. In a world fragmented by misunderstanding, I offer my own stories as a campfire around which my companions might take refuge on their journey through our shared wilderness, and I eagerly sit down to listen to yours. I will undoubtedly continue to share memories of Jenny and the healing path I was carried on in the wake of her death and my grief. But I will also speak of the unifying teachings of love at the heart of the world’s faith traditions, and how we might harvest those fruits and bring them back to feed the hungry world. I’m not sure what will splash from the rim of this new cup. I’m curious.

For those of you who are grieving, please know that I have not given up on you. I continue to hold you close in my heart, and I light a candle for you every day. I am still and will forever be a member of this terrible beautiful tribe of parents who have lost a child, and sitting among you is the most honorable thing I have ever done. I am simply ready to speak of life now, too.

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17 Responses to “CHANGING”

  1. Our sometimes painful and agonizing journey continues…beings of light and darkenss..

    Namaste!

    Gordon

  2. So true of the shifts. Many blessings on this day of sunshine and potentials.

  3. Victoria said

    You speak to the depths of my inner being, Mirabai… I excitedly await with you the release of God of Love and anticipate curling up with it and allowing your words, your stories, your life radiate to me. Shall we dance together?

  4. Doug in Traverse City said

    As always Mirabai, thank you for sharing your journey. After reading your last post my initial thoughts were, yes, grief, like God or love, does not care how you get there, only what you do with it after you get there. Your perspective of trying to be conscious of one’s grief while using it as a tool for transformation has been such an important one. Like a teacher once said to me, “The goal of life isn’t to do it right, rather it’s to use it right.”
    The journey of recovery often takes us to a different, deeper journey, the journey of transformation. As our consciousness expands it requires a larger, sturdier vessel in which to carry itself in (one reason perhaps, that we can never hold these new intense energies and insights we experience for long, they usually dissipate after a short time). So we need a different personality. A stronger more flexible one that is able to reflect a deeper part of ourselves and hold more intense energies and experiences in it.
    I think this whole process, not unlike giving birth, can be at times, a difficult painful upheaval as the growing pains make us scream out to something greater than ourselves as the, “ego quakes with uncertaintly.” From a spiritual horticulturists point of view, what a wonderful place to be! For the average human going through it all, its hard to imagine this is what we signed up for.
    Thaddeus Golas once said that if sin does exist, then it lies in the act of withdrawing our awareness from an act or event, not the act or event itself. As long as we remain conscious of who we are, we will be fine. Everything else will make sense. And even in our darkest moments and craziest of times we can remember, “the awareness of insanity, is not insane. Besides, what was it we thought that needed to be loved?” Compassion becomes then, the natural response to seeing clearly it always has been..
    Mirabai, thank you again for sharing your part of the journey. We need to remember some times, we are all on the same path and share a common reality we are learning to use through a multitude of experiences.But as noted earlier, God, love or grief even, do not care how your get there, only that you do and how you use them
    I look forward to sharing more, “smores of spirituality” with you at future campfires. We all allow each other to be present on this journey, what a wonderful insight.

  5. Christine said

    Mirabai ~ There is such a celebration of life in you, even in your grieving process, as it has *naturally* unfolded you, taking you through the dark waters into the awareness of your own Light again and again; seeing that even in grief our essence is Love, holding and embracing our hearts.

    I am so curious to see where Life takes you now in this new “opening.” Such a well-spring of creativity! And am looking forward to hearing about “Darshan with the saints and masters!”

    Blessings of Love – Christine

  6. Beautiful words Mirabai. Stunning. I love how you draw such rich images with uncorking and sharing with the world, and sitting around the campfire of experiences.
    I just love you and your writing. You are such an inspiration.

  7. Marie said

    You are the very Gift of Hope !!!!!

  8. Bob said

    Once again, you are an inspiration.

    Your wonderful post reminds me of advice that Wavy Gravy is said to give children who are dying. “No matter what happens, when you see the light, follow it. If it goes left, go left. If it goes right, go right. If it goes up or down, follow the light.”

    Thank you for showing and reminding us that in whatever state of consciousness we find ourselves what matters most is choosing to into the light!

    • Mirabai said

      That is SO beautiful, Bob–I had never heard that Wavy Gravy anecdote before, and it’s a jewel. Such courage to tell dying children the truth about death!

  9. bg said

    Mirabai,

    My only child/daughter also died in a car accident, on my birthday 7.5 years ago. And on that day—
    I began singing and dancing …right IN the ocean of my weeping soul . To a song I didn’t know was one of her favs… until later .

    Thank you for being great company on this incredible journey,

    SLV neighbor of 20 years

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